Kradison, Stoli Vanilla and a Glambert on a Rascal Rocked My Town

On Friday night, I got wrecked at the Rock My Town show at the Highline Ballroom in Chelsea. I’ve been told I embraced my inner Kristard — in jest, of course.

Like so wrecked I lost my phone and acted like a total tard during Kris Allen’s set. This is what happens if you drink too much after not eating all day. I would love to regale you with some crazy, three-part recap, but that would require me remembering the last part of the night. (And no, I am not a drunk. I just never had breakfast, lunch or dinner.) Since I only had a few minutes to get to the show upon arriving in NYC, I booked a cheap hotel room because it was easier than coordinating my usual crashing-on-friend’s-sofas.

SHAMELESS PLUG:
The Jane Hotel and their $79/night rooms RULE. Even if the establishment has caused a bit of controversy around the neighborhood, the staff is super friendly and it allowed me to indulge in my Titanic/transatlantic steamship obsession I’ve had since age 11.

OMG IS THIS MY VERY FIRST TARD STORY? IT INVOLVED ZERO STREET TEAMING!

On the way to the venue, I asked this guy if I was going in the right direction, just to make sure. I was in a hurry. He said, sure, I’m walking that way, just come with me. Nice guy, lived in Boston while attending Harvard Business School. He asked me what show I was seeing. I said, you don’t want to know. He said, oh yeah I do. So I told him, and also explained I was covering it for my blog and had been invited by some of my MOST AWESOME READERS. His name is Patrick, btw.

Patrick: Hey, does this make me gay? I like Kris Allen.

Me: Oh no. He’s kind of my favorite. And I enjoyed his album. I like him more now since the show. Can I tell the girls I’m meeting you said this? Because they’ll be really excited.

Patrick: (Laughs) Sure. Yeah, I like the guy. I downloaded Live Like We’re Dying. It’s a good song. He just seems like your everyday kind of dude. Laid back. Kind of like John Mayer.

Me: Maybe because they both play guitars, but he’s not really a douche. I don’t think he’s called his penis David Duke or anything.

Patrick: Yeah, you’re right. But I like that guy. He’s just seems like a cool dude. Never liked Adam Lambert, and not because of anything else but I think he screeches.

So Patrick and I exchanged information because he wants to read my blog (need to email him after this) and I arrived at the show.

OMG THERE IS THE LINE OF WOMEN JUST AHEAD OF ME OUTSIDE A WESTERN BEEF

Upon arriving to the Western Beef Highline Ballroom on West 16th, I was struck by how many damn Glamberts were in attendance. I was also told the first ones showed up at 3:30am to wait in line. I could barely stand outside the 45 minutes I was queued. I thought I was going to die of hypothermia or at least lose a couple of toes to gang green.

On my way in, I ran into Gossip Candy! She’s easy to spot with her curly red hair! Super sweet gal. The Idol blogger stratosphere is just too funny, ain’t it? I mean, if all of us can get along, then why can’t the fans?

I obeyed the rules and did not bring my camera, as much as it pained me. I took photos with my camera phone, thankfully, I sent them to TwitPic so they still exist.

Some lovely, self-described Kristards in the NYC area invited me to this special shindig and I am still so gracious for giving me one of their tickets. None of them are what I think of when I think of Idol fans…but we were surrounded by a horde herd of those! It was clear we were in the minority, although I was actually wearing my fingerless, striped gloves, royal blue tights and black boots with rivets.

I thought I was going to lose my shit when a few of them busted out an ADAM LAMBERT CAPE and made a couple little girls (daughters and granddaughters, I assume) pose for photos with it.

As we all know, however, it can get worse. And it typically does. A circle of 10-15 Glamberts decided to create their own Kumbaya moment with a group sing of Whataya Want From Me. All that was missing were hand-held candles! There was a short, squat woman behind me with a black tooth. I think she could have hurt someone with her bare hands. Or a shank. I would also bet $50 she keeps a carton of Newports in her nightstand.

After much shivering, we were finally allowed into the venue. I’m not quite sure about all this talk about concertgoers being squashed and packed in like sardines. That’s bullshit. People crowded as close to the stage as humanly possible, but there was tons of open space on the actual floor. After standing out there for one minute upon entering, a couple of woman elbowed through where I was standing. Neither one of them turned around to offer an obligatory apology.

Claire was standing in line for coatcheck and I went to give her my coat, she was talking to a woman wearing a t-shirt reading GLAMBERT #3569 on the back. My mouth kind of dropped open a bit at this point, as no matter how many photos I see of this on the interweb, it always manages to throw me for a tiny loop in real life.

At this point, all I want is a drink. Hey, I only get out sporadically and come on! The Rock My Town show was reason to drink! I get a drink. No line at the bar. I stand with my group, get shoved by a Glambert, look around at the crowd. Oh, look! There’s Jim!

So I go and greet Jim who is standing with Yahoo! Music’s Lyndsey Parker. Lyndsey and I were introduced about a month ago via FB by a mutual friend in Los Angeles. So it was awesome to finally meet her in person. Lyndsey is AWESOME. I spent a lot of the show with her, including Lambert’s set which we watched from the side while downing Stoli Vanilla & Diet Cokes. Take that, evil Glamberts! I watched Adam’s set with Lyndsey. And if you’re wondering, I also cheered loudly! I clapped! I was into it!

Before Lambert played, it was Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa del Mariachi on stage. I think I yelled LA PRINCESA after her set. Lyndsey and I stood with Slezak and Jim for her set. And I just kept turning around to Slezak and saying, OMG THAT VOICE IS SICK. I really needed a shot of us tarding over La Princesa.

Allison can out-sing any teeny bopper making millions for Disney and really, if Taylor Swift was that good performing live? Because she’s not. But that reminds me…how awesome would it be to see Allison Iraheta duet with Stevie Nicks? SO AWESOME. Allison is just adorable, her self-effacing humor makes her entirely lovable and reminds us that she is young! She may sport a killer head of burgundy hair and a kick ass wardrobe, as well as a voice of a woman twice her age, you never ever get the impression she is trying to be someone she is not. She doesn’t need to tart herself up to be seen as “more adult”. She really only has to be…Allison. I really think this kid’s future is incredibly bright. My two favorites from her set? Definitely Robot Love and her sick, punked-up rendition of Killing Me Softly. Could she get in a studio and record that, like say, now??

And in between Allison and Adam’s set, YoBench got this awesome shot!

By the middle of Lambert’s set, the overall excitement of the evening and fact I had not eaten all day was starting to catch up with me. And I was drunk. And even though I consider it my biggest responsibility to document as many frightening acts of fantardary as possible, the evening became more about having fun and seeing a good show. This wasn’t as arduous of a task as say, catching a stop on the Idol tour.

And since drinking was a priority, I was lucky I stumbled into a Glambert on a Rascal when going for another round. Damn crappy camera phone. I really wanted the Rascal to figure more prominently into the shot.

From the angle Lyndsey and I were standing during Lambert’s set, we had a good view. We were on the side. I’m sad I missed the fainting ladies, but I think we ran down to the center after that. But I gotta say something, even though I was drunk enough to sing along to Music Again, a song I don’t even like…you see, I get drunk and sing…which you’ll see in a little big. Anyway, Adam Lambert needs to chill on the makeup. It was not good. Not good at all. I understand you may have to overcompensate when there are spotlights, but Jesus Christ. They don’t use this much makeup in Kabuki theater! It’s almost painful, really. He’s not an unattractive guy. But the makeup, yikes.

Oh, and him and his little friend Tommy. I got confused for a second because I was certain Tegan and Sara were playing Boston’s Orpheum Theater that night.

I rejoined my beautiful little group of Kristards for Kris Allen’s set. How nice! We have more room! Thank you, Glamberts, for leaving the building. Of course, it is just my luck that I was now really drunk. Luckily, there is video evidence of me really getting into the show.

To be honest, I can’t even bring myself to listen to it after hearing about my singing and tard-like proclamations. But hey, I consider myself a fan of Kris Allen, and since he was the only contestant to “take my advice” during Idol Movie Theme Night, you can understand I get a bit excited when he sings Glen H.

Kris Allen has come such a long way since I saw him play the Idol show back in August. Watching him live is almost like watching an entirely different performer. He’s more confident. He’s more comfortable. His voice seems to be getting stronger with each live performance. He has such a great synergy with his band. You totally get the “we’re a band” vibe from them, rather than we’re “we’re this guy’s band”.

Adam, Allison and Kris all have solid bands backing them, so I’m curious to see how they all grow as performers, and how they relate to their bands. In my honest opinion, I do feel Kris and Allison tend to bring their band members into their performances more than Lambert, offering more of collective effort. I can see Allison becoming a kick-ass frontwoman to a punk/pop-rock band. Lambert may grind on Little Tommy, but I feel like the focus must always be on him. Hey, the guy wants to be a solo superstar, so its not a knock against him, its just an observation on how different all of them are as musicians.

For the encore, Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta joined Kris on stage for a pretty awesome Kradison take on Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy. What was even more enjoyable than the actual performance, was just watching how much fun the three of them were having up there on stage. Of course, upon re-watching this from the comfort of my living room sofa, something just occurred to me…

WHAT A PERFECT SONG.

Yes, Glamberts. Adam Lambert was totally singing TO YOU. Yes. Yes. He was. YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOOOOOOOOOOCO.

Yup. Because you muthafuckas (hey, just quoting your master) are CRAAAAAAZY.

YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOCO YOU’RE LOCO

Perhaps I am a slightly bigger Lambert fan now than I was when walking into the Highline. He just called his fans CRAZY! YOU’RE CRAZY YEAH YEAH YEAH And I am obviously sympathetic to a guy who gets hammered and loses his phone. Can we really blame him for being drunk? He was being groped by women with AARP subscriptions!

Oh, and btw. Kris Allen’s set didn’t make me believe in God. I like the kid, ok? And if you’re having fun at a concert, you have fun at a concert. And this was the first Idol-related show I’ve ever seen where I could actually get past a lot of the idiot tards and enjoy the show for what it was. I just went with it. And I had a great time.

But who am I kidding? It still totally helped I met a Glambert on a Rascal.

YOU’RE LOOOOOCO YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHHH

(Sorry. I’ll stop now.)

And I want to extend a special thanks to Claire, Laura, Meredith, Caroline, Elle and Whitney for allowing me to join them on such a kick ass excursion, and not wearing any puffy paint tard apparel. Of course, I really don’t think that’s how they roll. And they can call me drunkface forever. I accept this fate.