American Idol Extra: The Stage Goes Ghetto, Greasy Constantine Ogles and SANJAYA shows up to make it all better

It’s like a Season 7 reunion! There’s Michael Johns and David Cook doing “tummy touches”, well, that’s what this 350-lb man named Paulie who hung out at the Silhouette in Brighton around 2001 would call them. The thing you do when kind of run and jump up face-to-face with another person and bump stomachs or chests. I don’t know what else to call them besides Tummy Touches.

Chikieze!!! And Jason Castro is back! Even David Hernandez is hanging out, fully dressed, even. I read Amanda was also there but have yet to see her. You always knew she was too cool to hang with the other kids, at least while the cameras were rolling. That was one of the things I found so endearing about her, too.

All the kids are back in town to prep for that big finale on Wednesday night. I’m almost looking forward to it…maybe its best to uh, shoot me now.

Those former contestants are circling around, and its kind of funny, like Carly is leading the way, then there’s little Ramiele and Mormon Brooke was scurrying to catch up. The Eunuch is wandering around looking clueless and chewing gum, maybe because his father isn’t there to tell him which direction to walk just yet.

All the while Coretta Scott Mercado is telling the Seacrest Sycophant, JD Roberto, how she’s just sooooo happy to have come this far. She just keeps smiling for the camera. You never know who could be watching, right? I’m sure CAA will be calling her tomorrow morning.

Performance Recap

I’m not even going to bother because it pretty much blew the first and second times around.

Oooooh! CELEBRITIES. Like real ones, or semi-real ones, or something like that…

(Interviewed by Gina and Greasy Ass Constantine)

YAY! LLOYD is there. I heard he was, but did not see him. Yes, I know Lloyd’s real name is Rex Lee but I love his Entourage character so much, I insist on calling him Lloyd for the duration of this paragraph. The Sultan of Smarm does his ridiculous interview style in which he bobs his head up and down while pretending to look both intense and interested in whomever he is talking to, this time, its Marilu Henner, and what they happen to be saying. This is noticeably tougher for him to do if the woman (they seem to give these co-hosts members of the opposite sex for the post-show interviews) does not have visible cleavage. Gina is not talking to someone named Brandon Rogers who was on the show last year or something. I have no idea. Constantine nods at some chick who is on that Brothers and Sisters show. Yay! Lloyd is back. I think he gained a little weight but he’s still my lovable Lloyd. He says at this point, everyone has got to care, even the viewers at home.

Oh, Lloyd, I don’t care, but that was a nice sound bite you gave. And I care about you Lloyd, you’re my Asian-American Idol 365 days a year!

The Mercado family is sitting with the Poor Man’s Seacrest on that RIDICULOUS Coke couch, which is kind of funny, b/c they’re dismantling everything and behind them is a building and a truck, maybe a few trees. It’s kind of like putting a sofa on your front lawn and hanging out on a Saturday evening or something…

Oh, no way! Syesha is ENGAGED. Someone named Hess Wesley. I love how these chicks on here, the pretty ones who are probably think they are prettier than they really are…I love how they hide the boyfriend or fiancée until they get booted. Maybe they are told to do this? Who knows. But I bet Coretta ditches Hess-Wes for someone who promises her stardom…who knows…perhaps it is true love and I am only being cynical based on impressions I formed while watching a lame ass TV show.

Groan. Backstage again. Greasy Constantine is talking to these people…The Cheetah Girls? It’s the first time I’ve never seen him even glance at the camera when talking…these girls are all shorter, one has a very pronounced rack and the others are just so, so, but damn do they look and sound easy. He looks like a catering service waiter who just got off work. Now Gina is talking to Chris Richardson, someone else from last year but I don’t know who he is. She is wearing a horrible outfit which should not be seen on any female under the age of 45…or Paula Abdul.

Speaking of Paula! YES! Greasy Constantine is interviewing Ms. Abdul and whenever he does this, you can sense a real intimacy between the two of them. Maybe she pops an extra pill before so it’s easier when he semi-holds her, don’t know, but I am always in awe of how they have non-existent personal space while these “interviews” take place. Paula must be oblivious to this, as well as the warmth of his smarmy breath in a gentle, cascading breeze upon her silicone breasts. Or she likes it. Who knows.

(Yeah…obviously, I have no plans of writing a trashy torrid romance novel anytime soon…)

AWESOME. When talking about the Nokia, Greasy Constantine says, while staring at her ta-tas the entire frakking time and doing a strange lip thing:

It’s even bigger, if you can imagine, than the Kodak.

Between Simon’s reaction to Fantasia’s performance and Greasy Constantine undressing Paula with his Chlamydia Eyes, I finally get it. It took me 4 months, but I finally get what Magnum said when he told me the best part about this trash was making sure to never miss the subtleties.

Wow. That was cool. Like it all just dawned on me in that one moment. I feel so, uh, enriched! Yes! Enriched!

Coretta gets her one-on-one now, basically in uh, a parking lot. This chick can’t catch any breaks. She eventually says something again about “who she really is” but I’m only half listening. This pint of Haagen Dazs chocolate sorbet is requiring more attention than I initially thought it would. Now they’re talking about her fashion choices and how her goal was to make the Top 3, positive thinking, meditating…I’m trying not to drop my spoon again so I can type.

The show isn’t even half over but I swear it is the longest hour on TV. My mother used to claim the same thing about MacGyver, how it was the only 3-hour show that aired for one-hour. Claimed it got longer every time she watched it with my father, but she’s a realist, so she just couldn’t buy a dude building explosives with duct tape and Juicy Fruit, even if it was the true beauty of the show.

But guess who is gonna be on in a little bit…that’s right…SANJAYA! Apparently, all day Saturday is an American Idol Extra marathon. Yeah…think I got plans…

Debra Byrd is back. I like Debra Byrd, she’s like the medical examiner of American Idol, if it were a Law & Order show. Like she only shows up for a few minutes occasionally, but the information she offers is knowledgeable and stated with a soothing calmness. Byrd and Debbie the Stage Manager are the brains behind this whole thing, I just know it. This show would be Puttin’ On The Lips if it weren’t for these two fine ladies.

Ooooh, first impressions during Ford Commercial filming. Oh Jesus, David Cook makes pirate jokes…I want to hope its totally in jest and not because you know, he is one of those people who makes regular pirate jokes because they think they’re actually funny. Cook also thinks the Eunuch has a dry sense of humor, which is apparently evident during these big send-off dinners, when they roast the poor sap who is going home. I guess he told Amanda Overmyer she was scary. I now realize that of all the Idol bullshit, the only stuff which may be worth watching are the send-off dinners.

Note to producers: Next year, screw this AI Extra shit and just put some cameras on the send-off dinners.

Now this Diana DiGarmo chick is singing some shit ass song. Isn’t she a teenager? Or she can’t be more than in her early 20s…really need stop dressing like a 38-year-old divorcee/single mom.

SANJAYA! SANJAYA MALAKAR!

For some reason, I would love to see him in a very bit, blink-or-you’ll-miss-him part as one of Baltar’s followers on BSG. He would make the perfect altar boy for Gaius Baltar. But as I said, it would have to be a blink-or-you’ll-miss-him role because casting any reality TV star would totally ruin the Battlestar street cred. And if you don’t watch BSG, you’re probably wondering what the frak I’m talking about…whatever. Your loss.

Sanjaya…he’s openly gay, right? He’s got to be…right? When asked if he is single, he also uses the word “person.” Now he is singing Always On My Mind. Now I’ve always loved this song, as my parents played a lot of Willie Nelson during my childhood. The Elvis version, the Pet Shop Boys version, even, all great…Sanjaya’s…not so much. But you know, its Sanjaya, and I appreciate Sanjaya for just being Sanjaya and pissing a bunch of Idol viewers off last season.

Groan…Mormon Brooke gets a few minutes to talk about what she’s been up to since getting the shaft. She wants to craft a “really great album”. The Top 3 talk pre-performance rituals…Cook closes his eyes and breathes…Coretta calls her sister or texts someone…the Eunuch says a prayer to himself to keep the spirit high.

Yay! It’s over. Time to say goodbye from the parking lot! Yay! Only one more week of this nonsense!!!

Syesha Mercado’s Most Excellent Post-Idol Quotes

From Entertainment Weekly’s Exit Q&A…

I was thinking it was going to be a miraculous change in voting, that little girls stopped voting for David Archuleta and a cloud of votes came in for me.

About her future plans…

I want to do everything. I want to make an album, do Broadway, act in films, open restaurants, homeless shelters, Lupus foundations. I want to do so many things.

Wow…best of luck to you, Coretta Scott Mercado, best of luck. But I’m kind of pissed you have no desire to open whale habitats or leper colonies, just saying. Why limit yourself to opening restaurants, homeless shelters and Lupus foundations?

American Idol Top 3 Elimination: The Most Un-Shocking Results Show EVER

TopIdol decided to put aside the bottle tonight…which may make Groups Sing Suckage unbearable, but we’ll chance it. We actually prefer drinking water, believe it…or not…

Before I begin, let’s congratulate Whitney, the first “full-figured” winner of America’s Next Top Model. Yeah. I love that show…and the incredible Mr. Nigel Barker.

Ok. Back to Idol…

GROUP SING SUCKAGE

Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now
Poor D-Cook looks woefully out of place in this terrible dance number. The Eunuch is just doing what the Eunuch probably does every other night of his life, sing along to an oldies station. And why, Coretta Scott Mercado, day-glo white sneakers, is working overtime to show viewers she has a casual side! And a black side!

As sometime TopIdol commenter Magnum astutely noted:

When did Syesha get confused and think that black people watched American Idol?

In tonight’s audience: David Hernandez! CHIKIEZE!!

Wow. We’re already on to the FORD COMMERCIAL, which apparently has the 3 contestants going to a FORTUNE TELLER while singing Los Lonely Boys’ Heaven. (FYI, my mother goes gaga over this inane song for some reason.)

Now as I look into my crystal ball…I see big things…Oh, tiny Eunuch, you are hiding a secret folded ever so neatly besides your magical underpants in your closet. Oh, D-Cook, you will become an Idol but your Flock of Seagulls hair will have to say goodbye…forever. Oh, Coretta Scott Mercado, this is the last time you will be doing a Ford Commercial but you may find Fame…if they ever do a broadway remake of the 1982 film.

Re-mem-ba, Re-mem-ba, Re-mem-ba…

I digress…let’s watch the damn commercial.

Is it just me, or has the Eunuch been featured in a shot with some sort of flowering plant for at least half of these commercials?

LAST NIGHT’S RECAP…WHY MUST WE RELIVE IT?

The Eunuch sang some terrible songs, Coretta Scott Mercado sang some really boring songs but wore lots and lots of sequins and danced on a chair, D-Cook did some really good Roberta Flack and then sang a virtual coronation song with a small orchestra.

FANTASIA

Does anyone remember Grace Jones? Fantasia reminds me of a plumper, new-fangled version of Grace Jones right now. The En Vogue-esque backup dancers are a nice touch. But other than that, I have no idea what I’m watching but there are a lot of jerky movements and yelling. Lots of yelling. Hell hath no fury like a Fantasia scorned. OMG. OMG. The look on Simon’s face. The look on Simon’s face. That was just…that was just incredible. But Fantasia seems like she’s a lot of fun for some reason, a bit scary, but on occasion, scary can be fun.

EUNUCH

Wow. The only person who isn’t taller than Ryan is the Eunuch. Now let’s see David’s Day in Murray, Utah.

Oh, my gosh! The Murray High School Cheerleaders are here, too!

I can’t believe the under-12 set, in this day and age, still hasn’t figured out that they’re probably not Little David’s uh, type.

8-year-old girls are grabbing this poor kid. He is overwhelmed with emotion after seeing all the people at the mall, that so many people appreciated all his hard work…whoa, this poor kid’s Daddy Issues are bound to come to a head once he gets disowned for losing the whole thing.

I was overwhelmed how many people showed up. Gosh, where did they park?

I actually think that proves this kid may be a wee bit observant? Because I might wonder the same thing, but I don’t know what size the Murray mall’s parking garage is, but I did notice they had an Anthropologie.

YES! Mayor Daniel Snarr, the Tom Skerritt wannabe with a Dali moustache is BACK! LOVE HIM. Now that’s a man who needs his own reality show!

I never noticed before but I think the Eunuch’s mom may be sort of MILF-y? And it seems like the Scary Stage Dad has her held captive a la Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes.

I just realized, the more this kid says gosh, the more he sounds like Napoleon Dynamite, or Jon Heder, which is actually an LDS, so maybe breathlessly saying Gosh a lot is a Mormon thing?

Now they are showing the Eunuch’s Idol journey and I saw a glimpse of Miss Kristy Lee Cook and Carly and almost got a bit nostalgic, even though I still think Kristy Lee kind of sucked.

CORETTA SCOTT MERCADO

What was it like to get the star treatment back at home? How excited is she that she’s uh, getting star treatment. The crowd seems a bit more subdued than the Eunuch’s, although one large woman in nurse’s scrubs wanted her to kiss her baby, which is probably because, well, you know, Coretta Scott Mercado is the mythical love child of Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama…

Ooooh, BLOCK PARTY!! Dad mention’s his sobriety, because tragic back stories help with getting votes. Now she is on a helicopter…and singing Proud Marry…and the energetic Sarasota mayor, Lou Ann Palmer, just did a cartwheel. Nice touch, but still doesn’t top the Skerritt wannabe with the handlebar moustache. And now Coretta is crying…I’m sure I’m just as annoying when I cry but I kind of want her to shut up already.
Onto her journey…oh Hollywood week, when I still really liked Coretta and thought she was gonna be the second coming of Nadia Turner.

D-COOK

Wow, does he look apprehensive before he comes out on the stage, is he maybe thinking he’s too deep in and gonna be forced to sing a really bad song next week. Let’s hope his brother tries out again…is that allowed? Oh, I slightly giggled when he was doing the green screen and giving the “weather report”. Oh wow. That little kid with the identical hairstyle. Why is that girl crying? Never understood those people who get so verklempt upon meeting someone famous. Awwww, he brought flowers to the music teacher.

Parade…someone is dressed up like Colonal Sanders and another girl says she drove 10 hours from Wisconsin.

I like how his younger brother is there for all of this for some reason. It’s sweet. And then he threw out the first pitch at a KC Royals game. Still haven’t met a real KC fan so if you know any, have them write me. But he totally should have stopped by a Gates BBQ for a Hi-May-Eyz-Help-Youz? From the friendly staff.

When he tried out, his hair was totally Flock of Seagulls. Crazy. I really do think, for all his smirks and lemon face high notes, he is the only contestant who expresses genuine emotion and humility.

FINALLY! THE RESULTS! YOU’RE ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT, RIGHT??

esus, if I hear Randy say HOT one more frakking time…I swear the gastric bypass did something to limit his vocabulary…56 MILLION VOTES…

Yeah, yeah, no shocker here, I’m sure…

You think they’re gonna be able to get Coretta off the stage?

Also in the audience: Ramiele, Kristy Lee Cook (wearing that same horse tank top she always wears), MICHAEL JOHNS (Love you, Sexy Aussie, love you…), Mormon Brooke and Carly

(Notice how Amanda Overmyer hasn’t made a post-exit appearance? And I’m surprised Danny Noriega still isn’t milking past-contestant audience shots, but he’s probably drinking pina coladas with Rosie O’Donnell and Kathie Griffith right now.)

Ugh, never cared for this Alicia Keys song to begin with and I don’t feel like listening to it again now. So long, Coretta Scott Mercado! Perhaps I will see you on Broadway one day, or maybe in a bit part on Law & Order, because you know, everyone on Broadway does Law & Order.

Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, she is free at last. (Free to do Broadway, right?)

American Idol Top 3: Better With Alcohol

Alcohol makes American Idol so much more bearable.

Stella Atrois. Check.
(Note: On Tuesday evenings, after a few glasses of wine, it is wiser to drink beer than whatever hard alcohol you have displayed elegantly in your kitchen, hence, block-away liquor store was a fabulous option when you have a cab driver who can’t tell GPS instructions from a bowel movement.)
Water. Check.
Parliament Lights. Check.
Tivo. Check.

Or, Coretta Scott Mercado, as the only girl left, you now control all the glitter.

Eunuch
And So It Goes (Billy Joel)
Wait…we leading off with the Eunuch? Even with Papagate? Christ, the major of Utah…he’s just doing a poor imitation of the great Tom Skeritt in a very bad patriotic shirt.

I can’t listen to him talk anymore. I really can’t. And I feel guilty because I should not be thinking such things about 17-year-old children. But I have a nephew his age, and honestly, if I had to trust one of them to get out of a cardboard box alive, I would choose my nephew.

The Eunuch has a decent voice, but I cannot watch him, ok? The lip licking…the eye closing, that type of music…I can’t do it. And I cannot watch Randy judging the Eunuch anymore because it creeps me out in a Dateline kind of way, ok? Thank you, Simon. I actually enjoy the fact you are rallying against the whole Eunuch victory train. Your Britishness is in favor with me this evening. I love the British. My heritage, plus, your people just have better things to eat for take out available for purchase in convenient stores than here in the U.S., ok?

Syesha Scott Mercado
If I Got You
You have such fun hair, such a fun look…I have tried sooooo hard to like you, however…the whole Civil Rights thing…the desperation…the fact you do nothing to differentiate yourself from any gal who has a good voice.

Wait…is something wrong with the sound again? Because this sounds absolutely horrible. Chorus is better, but…the sound must be screwed again. Right now, my Stella Artois and I want to be like Paula and point out how…how very beautiful you look tonight, just because the alcohol is making us nicer than usual. Not really, but I can try, right?

I miss you Carly. I miss you Michael Johns. I miss you Stoner J. And guess what? I miss you, too, Chikieze!

D-Cook
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face (Roberta Flack)
Ok. Let’s admit something. I’m from Missouri. St. Louis, actually, and people from St. Louis never say they’re from Missouri, they say they’re from St. Louis. We all want to believe it sounds more cultured or something, perhaps a complex left over from the 1904 Worlds Fair, I do not know, but we all know we’re a lot cooler than Kansas City. I’ve never met a KC Royals fan, even though I went to college midway between KC and STL (KC folk are obsessed with the Chiefs, purchasing red automobiles because those are Chiefs colors. And there is this fast food chain called Gates BBQ, which I cannot believe has not been shut down by the NAACP.), and I’ve only been to that city 3x in my entire life. Anyway, if I had to think someone deserved winning, it would be David Cook. Here are the reasons why:

1. His brother has terminal cancer, yet he did not manipulate the American public into voting for him for this fact, even when his brother is sitting in the audience
2. He’s from my home state, which doesn’t matter much, but I’m gonna use it here just because I can
3. He loves crosswords, as do I
4. He performed a rocker version of Lionel Richie’s Hello, possible the single greatest music video of all time. All I’ve ever really wanted was for someone to ever sculpt my head…
5. I downloaded, for 99 cents, his version of Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby and play it more often than I would like to admit
6. He’s the best all-around singer and performer left at this stage of the competition
7. If he finds stardom, I am convinced he will find a better hair stylist

He seems like the only person in this fixed bullshit to want to win for the right reasons. And if he doesn’t win, he still won, because he’ll sell more albums than either of them. I also just have more respect for the bartenders or the guys who play the bars in order to get their music heard. It says so much more than being groomed for a television show since the pre-pubescent years…

Ok. Whew. I am done. Glad I got that off my chest. Let’s here D-Cook do Simon’s choice…See, my mother used to listen to a lot of Roberta Flack, so maybe I have a little bias here, but I think it’s an appropriate song for him to do his D-Cook thing, ya know?

And frankly, I love the film Play Misty For Me, ok? I think any girl should watch this movie when they start worrying incessantly about a guy because it will snap you right out of it, as you don’t want to be anything remotely like the woman in this film. The mother on Arrested Development (Jessica Walter) plays this completely whacked chick obsessed with Clint Eastwood’s DJ character. Anyway, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face was part of the film’s soundtrack, so whenever I hear it, I think of Play Misty For Me.

Wait…so he’s just singing it…no he’s not…that’s his mother in the audience, right? Ok. So that’s the song. Really. Can’t they let them sing for more than, oh, I don’t know, one and a half minutes? Reducing a song to such a short time period really doesn’t allow it to ever get good.

You know what’s cool. His entire family is there, including his brother suffering from cancer. And the fact he doesn’t draw attention to this fact makes me actually like this guy, well, much more than the rest, at least.

Eunuch
With You (Chris Brown)
I don’t know much about Chris Brown, but I like the No Air song and that other one I hear a lot when I drive home from work, so maybe I will recognize this? Oh, wait. I don’t like this song. It’s the frakking BOO song. Oh, this is fascinating. He SUCKS, he has those runs, but oh wow, this is like, oh Jesus, its like, really bad karaoke but with all those sorority girls wearing brightly colored sundresses cheering loudly. This song just feels so…forced? Like, oh Eunuch, please don’t look deeply into the camera and grab. I don’t know, it just kind of freaks me out.

You know, I just realized something. The one thing that sucks about doctor-patient confidentiality is that we have no idea who Paula’s doctors may be. And that’s a shame, really, because I think, Paula’s doctors could have the key to world peace, ya know?

Coretta Scott Mercado
Fever (Peggy Lee)
I have always LOVED this song. And she is wearing more sequins. Now, uh, she says she is going to chair dance and well…she didn’t use the chair as much as she could but, I kind of dig the arrangement, however, I know its only going to be a minute and a half. She walks around it properly, that was the proper walk…around a chair…and I kind of want to admire her determination, because she really is still in it to win it, ya know? Oh, whatever, she did a “lame cabaret performance”, y’all know she ain’t gonna make it past tomorrow. Does it really matter?

D-Cook
Dare You To Move (Switchfoot)
Ok. Heard the song, never knew the artist. Thought he was doing Collective Soul. I really think I like him better when he’s not doing something so…expected? Like when this guy revises old pop classics, it’s almost amazing. And granted, I kind of like this…not sure…but its so short…and it’s not exactly much of a stretch. Then it’s over. So, you know, it’s like…oh Randy, just stop dropping names. Wow. Paula is like, uh, speaking wisdom?

Eunuch
Longer (Dan Fogelberg)
All week, I’ve been wondering what this song was, and now I know. And right now, I wish I had mittens to prevent myself from scratching out my eyes. I would prefer looking at my parents’ Steve & Edie Gormet concert programs, as I sometimes did as a child, because it would be preferable to this tripe. This must be like dying in an actual elevator while the Musak is still going, full-stream ahead on the speakers. Randy just wants cocoa butter rubbed all over his body, Paula just has the good pills and Simon speaks the truth about this kid…well, as much as he can.

Coretta Scott Mercado
Something by Rhianna from a movie with penguins
Uh, yeah, I almost fell asleep during that and it may have been cool had you done something different and not worn sequins once again this evening. Or like, you know, sung the damn song differently. Wow. Paula. Even with all those magical pills, you are actually speaking the truth.

D-Cook
Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing (Aerosmith)
This is really sad, but my “favorite horrible dreadfully bad movie of all time” is, sigh, Armageddon. At this point, I could write a 20-page thesis on how this single film defines everything both right and mostly wrong with American culture. Like, unfortunately, I can quote this frakking movie. Perhaps its just the fact I wish I was 22 again, and honestly, if someone was gonna save the world, why can’t it be Bruce Willis, Will Patton, William Fitchner and Ben frakking Affleck. Ok. Will stop now and listen to actual song. Oh Christ, I’m trying to finish my beer and Mr. Missouri has a string orchestra playing the love theme from Armageddon.

I give up. I give the frak up. I almost ignored the front-row Alpha Phi plants, ok? Oh, Randy. You just want the Eunuch to rub cocoa butter over you, so whatever. D-Cook is gonna win this crap…wait, now Simon, I do actually love this song, but…”one of the greatest songs of all time”? It’s not THAT great. It’s great and all, but not that great…shit, now I want to listen to the original…I think…oh thank Xenu this stupid show is over for the night.

Next Week on American Idol…Hopefully a song from wait, no really, THIS CENTURY?

(Why is David Cook trying to grab me?)

The Final 3 Theme isn’t really much of a spoiler…or a “theme.”

The contestants will each sing 3 songs:

Contestant’s Choice

Judge’s Choice

Producer’s Choice

(So I imagine good old Clive D. will be in the house and picking terrible songs for each contestant.)

These are being updated as soon as I find them…

David Cook
Simon chose Roberta Flack’s The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Cook’s choice: The World I Know by Collective Soul (Let’s hope its not an uninspired snoozer like last week’s Duran Duran cover.)

Coretta Scott Mercado
Randy chose Alicia Keys’ If I Ain’t Got You

Eunuch
Paula has chosen Billy Joel’s And So It Goes (Hey…why hasn’t there been a Billy Joel theme week? Or a Hall & Oates. Theme weeks can blow, but they definitely need a week of Hall & Oates Philly Soul next season.)
Producer’s Choice: Dan Fogelberg’s Longer
Eunuch’s Choice: Chris Brown’s With You

But the big question is, how much is the Eunuch gonna bite it without his scary Mormon Stage Daddy pulling his puppet strings during rehearsals?

(Of course, regardless of who sings what, it will probably suck just like…all those weeks before…)

Is VFTW selling out? They’re supporting The Chosen Eunuch?!

I really do enjoy Vote For The Worst and appreciate all that they do to try and bring down Idol, but what’s this…COME ON.

Just as they HAD to start voting for Carrie “Farmbot” Underwood in Season 5, they’ve now done the same for The Chosen Eunuch. So this is how it goes, huh? You throw in the towel and give them what they want when you’re coming down the home stretch?

Why isn’t Coretta Scott Mercado a more suitable pick? She’s just as boring and has nary a chance of making the Top 2 as she would getting the good drinking fountain in Montgomery, Alabama in 1953. (Hey, this is all fair game since she decided to compare her Idol journey to the frakking CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT…)

Her self-aggrandizing ego may not be AS irritating as the Eunuch’s bullshit I-can’t-believe-I’m-still-here-I-was-trembling-in-my-magical-underpants act, and in my opinion, she does have much better stage presence that that robotic eunuch child, but…doesn’t this just entirely defeat the purpose of VFTW? Even if the show is fixed, which I have always believed it was, aren’t they still trying to stick it to Idol? So how are they doing that when nominating The Chosen Eunuch as their pick? We already know he is the worst, but that doesn’t mean he uh, doesn’t have the largest fanbase of any contestant.

Granted, it is still a pretty funny graphic…

American Idol Extra: Stoner J Still Rules, Greasy Constantine Still Ogles Paula’s Cleavage

Ugh…another episode of American Idol Extra with JD Roberto, the poor-man’s Seacrest who might actually be wearing pleather tonight. However, I am definitely watching tonight for some Stoner J interview-ness.

Randy pretends to like Jason and Jason pretends that he “mentally hit a wall” and was surprised he made it this far. Simon can’t get away fast enough and Randy musters up enough gumption to say he really loved Hallalujah…so basically saying he’s hated everything since the last week of the semifinals.

Stoner J is a nice guy, and he’s still under contract, so he’s not going to say that he just could not take the lie he was living. He says the pressure got to him, just as the thought of learning THREE WHOLE SONGS. Come on, even though he was a drummer before a singer, I cannot imagine learning 3 songs is that daunting a task (especially if you are picking one of them AND have a week to work on the other 2). My ex sang in a band and he could easily learn a ton of songs even while smoking his first bowl on the way to work every single day. Just saying…Still, Stoner J’s comments about being sent home just prove that he is all about class and sincerity as much as he is about having fun.

Not going to watch performance recaps yet again, but caught part of D-Cook’s Hungry Like The Wolf. Would definitely have to say that was his lowpoint of the season. Could have sworn I was watching a cover band in any shit bar, any place in this country. Fast forward…

Jesus Christ. The Sultan of Smarm manages to get greasier and smarmier with each passing week. He keep hitting the Mystic Tan and is a shade more orange than the last time I saw his smarmy head…and two-thirds of chest. Since Chalmydia Stare does not like to button his shirts more than oh, twice, or three times at the most, the viewer is forced to stare at his greasy chest hairs against an coral-colored background and nestled somewhere in between a crushed pink silk shirt and oversized silver chain.

Tonight, Greasy Constantine gets to interview REAL BIG CELEBRITIES! Between him and Gina, I wonder who gets the BIGGER CELEBRITIES. Let’s tally this one up…the “star power” seems to diminish week by week…Gina talks to Wade Williams, who apparently stars in Prison Break. They both love The Rolling Stones. I love The Stones, too, but you people are boring me…

Walking VD talks to Jamie Lyn Sigler (The Sopranos’ Meadow), Holly Huddleston (Sunset Tan…quite possibly the most inane show to ever be aired on televison INCLUDING cable access stations. Holly is one of two “Olly Girls”, Holly or Molly or something…get it, the OLLY girls…one of them acted as a Seacrest beard fairly recently.) Walking VD looks as if he’s trying to hit on Holly, who says she doesn’t sing but is “recording a hook and chorus” tomorrow.

NOTE TO SELF: Always remember to never spend more than a week in LA or head will implode.

Now on the gratuitous Coke Couch with JD Pleather, joined by Stoner J’s mother Betsy and brother Michael.

Key points:

• Stoner J’s family dragged him out of bed to audition. He had only sung a few times before so was reluctant to go. While at the auditions, he put a big band aid over the audition bracelet because he was embarrassed, since he was “a drummer in a rock band”.
• They did not have cable at their duplex. They only received 4 channels, one of which was Fox, so they watched American Idol for lack of better options. I guess last year, Stoner J told brother Michael that he was going to try out
• Jason comes out. I think he has already and RIGHTFULLY blazed up. Ever the gracious and classy fella, Jason says his brother sings better than him

More “backstage interviews.” Gina is now interviewing some guy from the WWE, Howie Mandel and someone from the now-canceled Las Vegas.

Walking VD is taking real close to Paula, smiling smarmily while talking about “forgetting the words” and blatantly leering ominously at her cleavage while licking his lips. Then he talks to Adam Levine for a second, but it wasn’t nearly as creepy as when he was ogling Paula, especially because part of me thinks Paula would totally do it…You know he would ask her to call him The Mighty Duck and to compare his skills to Emilio Estevez’s sexual prowess. He would purr something like, I can make you quack, baby…

JD Pleather’s One-on-One with Stoner J

Stoner J decided he wanted dreads during his senior year in high school. It took 14 hours, but his mother helped him make his dreads after they looked up the information on the internet. Awesome.

Contestants’ personal goodbye messages show lots of DEPTH:

D-Cook
To eyelashes, its been an absolute pleasure having you as a roommate. I’m sorry to see you go. (EYELASHES???)
Eunuch
Jason, you are just really goofy. And laid back. You’re still a really smart guy.
Coretta Scott Mercado
You are so relaxed and calm and I must say you’ve brushed off on me a little bit
Eunuch
It’s funny how you’re always trying to find time to sleep during the day
Coretta Scott Mercado
Keep smiling, and keep that cool vibe that you have, you’re awesome.
D-Cook
Keep rocking that ukeulele and looking forward to the tour

Carly says Stoner J wears a bathrobe all the time. He admits to “not getting dressed unless he has to.” What can you say? The dude abides.

Stoner J found the beads while growing his dreads and has thrown them in, aw well as a gold ring is in there from his girlfriend, as is a peace sign from last weekend in Vegas. He’s talking about his girlfriend now and it’s all very genuine and cute. This guy is just so…himself. Thinks he’s a chronic yawner. Said he loved Wednesday because they’re so relaxed and he just has to sing a goofy song on stage, which he will “never do again.”

This guy just talks completely off the cuff, it’s great.

Now Stoner J is sitting with Debra Byrd, the main Idol vocal coach and arranger. Personally, I think they only brought her out with him because she, too, has dreads. Byrd seems like a very nice lady. Says she can’t tell someone their song choice sucks. Explains a bit of the arranging process…I wonder how much a part of the Idol machine she is because I don’t want to believe she is in on all the covert fixing. She’s like the love child of Debbie Allen and S. Epatha Merkerson.

Peace out…Stoner J, now we’re off to the Idol Extra Lounge…

LaKisha Jones in the Idol Extra Lounge. The Idol Extra Lounge cracks me up. It’s like the side stage the people who aren’t big enough for the main stage are allowed to play on, or even during the side show for the actual show. Pretty funny, right? And JD Pleather is now JD Corduroy, making it obvious that it was taped before the real side show. I don’t know anything about LaKisha Jones, but apparently, she’s a mother, came in 4th and appeared in The Color Purple on Broadway. She has an album coming out, mostly R&B Soul but with some Inspiration because she “loves the lord” and its going back to her church-singing roots. I can’t tell if this is a Lord song or not, but it might be, and they just edited part of it quite obviously. They keyboardist is absolutely hilarious. Like, the way he sways and gets into it all, its quite amusing. Ok…that song sucked but the keyboardist was a trip.

Carly’s Here! Let’s See How She’s Been….

JD Pleather is back! With Carly! Miss you, Carly Smithson, miss you. She talks about going to NY to do press, being mobbed in Times Square and reading fan mail. I bet Coretta Scott Mercado could go to Times Square wearing a sandwich board saying Coretta Scott Mercado and would still not be mobbed. Just saying…

Bo Bice Alert!

Bo Bice is back with JD Pleather. Think this is the second time I’ve seen him on here, and he’s still as gracious as ever. This guy is the real deal for the same reasons I liked him 3 years ago. He spent years playing bars and honing his craft, slumming it in a way, but it remains the best training ground. More so than stage parents or Star Search could ever be.

Lame Top 4 Question Portion of Show:
What was your favorite performance by someone else on the show?

Eunuch
Blackbird (Carly)…obviously, because it was a ballad
Stoner J
It’s All Wrong But It’s All Right (Michael Johns)…excellent frakking choice
Coretta Scott Mercado
Here You Come Again (Carly)
D-Cook
Let It Be (Brooke)…calls it an organic moment. Yeah, that probably was Brooke’s last shining moment. Week 1….

Well, that was painful in so many ways, but much less greasy than usual. Glad they’re cutting back on the Smarm. Must have been all the audience members filling up nearby ERs trying to get power antibiotics to remove the Chlamydia infecting their bodies. Hell, the effects of the Greasy Constantine Stare may be the closest thing to immaculate conception that exists in reality.

Jason Castro: Celebrate Him Stoned

Right now, Stoner J, wherever you may be, I hope you’re really frakking blazed. But please know I will miss you, because you brought some much needed class and sincerity to the biggest shit show in America.

And I really, really wanted to hear you do Ray LaMontagne. But I know the fact I did not isn’t your fault. And while it may be sad to see you go, I know you are in a much better place.

May Peace Be With You, Stoner J, May Peace Be With You

American Idol Top 4 Elimination: The Legend of Stoner J

Is it just me? Because I have no idea why I’m still watching this show…Why are they even bothering with it at this point when the whole damn thing has already been decided.

51 million votes, with the Top 3 coming in within 1 million votes of one another. Oh whatever. Yawn. The Wisdom of Randy Jackson? Uh, ok. It’s not wise to want an underage Mormon Eunuch to rub cocoa butter all over your body while yelling out that’s molten hot and yeah dawg.

Group Sing Suckage

The Chosen Eunuch is the FIRST solo, as well as the LAST solo (The one to present Ricky Minor’s solo. Ricky Minor needs more love and more airtime because he’s basically just a post-modern musical version of Nat from The Peach Pit on 90210.)

Stoner J looks soooo happy because he just wants to go home. Christ, this choreography is terrible. Love how the Eunuch and D-Cook are paired together…AGAIN. Has anyone else noticed the only person who actually looks like they’re having fun during this is the Eunuch? Doesn’t he realize they all look like complete idiots? Probably not. Don’t you watch South Park? They either have sing-a-longs or board games after dinner in Mormon households. I guess it’s just an average Wednesday night in Casa Eunuch.

Coretta Scott Mercado is wearing a sequined tank top to recapture last night’s piss poor Tina impersonation. Coretta Scott Mercado told Billboard magazine SHE HAS A DREAM! (She plans on winning a Grammy, Oscar and a Tony.)

Oh Supermercado, I have dreams, too. I want to win a Best Original Screenplay Oscar. And at least 2 Pulitzers. And I want to sleep with Nigel Barker, George Clooney, Christian Bale and Eric Bana. And save Darfur, yeah, that’s a good place to want to save, right? I also want to end Google’s monopoly on search engine technology and force Rachael Ray into permanent hiding. And I’m going to get rid of Scientology and stupid romantic comedies with wedding in the title. See? I got lots of lofty (er, ridiculous) dreams, too!!

OH EUNUCH, SHUT THE FRAK UP. Quit this humble shit. You’ve never been in the Bottom 2 and Randy wants you to rub cocoa butter all over his plump Bedazzled body, which I suspect, your father may have already forced you to do to get a guarantee you’ll win this silly competition. He’s also said connect 7 times in 60 seconds. So if you sing a song to your dog, I guess you connect with it. Don’t you think that’s kind of sad? Sometimes, I come home drunk and play One My Own from Les Miserables and sing it to my frakking cat, who subsequently runs away from me. Maybe that, too, is connecting with a song, but both myself and my cat know for a fact its beyond pathetic.

(On Board Game night in Casa Enunch, I bet his favorite game is Connect Four…It’s all about the connection, don’t you see? It’s all really, really DEEP.)

Coretta Scott Mercado is all smiles for the camera in the waiting room. Commercial break. Let’s point out again how THE EUNUCH IS IN THE TOP 3!!

Idol Contestants on a Private Jet to…Vegas!

Stoner J brings his guitar to Vegas, D-Cook does not. Stoner J is legit, man! He’s as legit as cannabis at The Bullfrog in Amsterdam. He wants to sleep in the private jet’s bed while in the air, which might actually be possible, for him at least, on such a short flight because I would bet he has perfected the fine art of the weed nap. Anyhow…

Are those UNLV sorority girls camped outside the Mirage? Maybe the Claymates were having a convention in town and they were called for the gig, too, because some middle-aged fraus were in line for Idol goodness. I’m not saying these people don’t have fans, per se, but it’s Vegas, and well, famous and semi-famous people are always hanging out in Vegas. And that’s a lot of people cheering for these kids…in Vegas.

I love animals and I LOVE dolphins.
–- Coretta Scott Mercado

Now they’re getting makeovers. I guess they are providing a lot of their own clothes this year because Coretta’s dress is a BCBG from the 2005 Summer Season. I have the same dress but in black with white polka dots. Not to say she doesn’t look good, but for some reason, I really thought these kids got a weekly clothing allowance and kind of went to town. Anyway, once again, I digress…

I love how Stoner J seems to get the most attention in Vegas, fan-wise. It’s perfect. He’s the first American Idol Folk Hero. Or American Idol Anti-Hero. Regardless what goes down tonight, I love this kid.

David Cook…hmmm…I did peg you to be in the Bottom 2, based on placement and “shock value”. But they’re bringing you out right behind the Eunuch again, which would drive home the whole David vs. David final the producers have been ramming down our throats like a bulemic’s finger. Of course you’re safe, D-Cook, now sit your ass on that couch next to the Eunuch and keep prepping for all those promo shots in 2 weeks.

Coretta Scott Mercado just smiled and waved again. This girl, whoa, it’s kind of crazy, really. She’s shown more “personality” during these last couple of weeks and frankly, maybe she should have stayed more…vanilla? Because she’s taken on the Mormon Brooke syndrome, although in a different way. Mormon Brooke was overly sincere while Syesha looks more and more insincere each time she speaks. But the result remains the same: The more she opens her mouth, the less I like her.

MATADORS AND FORD AND JOHNNY CASH OH MY

Ok. How awesome was Stoner J doing his little dance-y matador ole move? This guy is so endearing because he just doesn’t care, and the less he cares, the more I like him and would consider buying his album or seeing him play somewhere just because he’s probably one of the most genuine contestants I’ve ever seen on this shit show. He just wants to have fun. And really. How can you continue to have fun when the judges have done everything in their power (ahem, Randy) to get your ass booted? Oh. And the Eunuch looks frakking ridiculous in turquoise matador’s ensemble. I know I rip on this kid but I really do feel sorry for him. They’re making him a virtual NAMBLA poster boy.

Bullshit pre-taped section of show commences…

(Pinky, I am sooo buying you the Taylor Hicks commorative postage stamps for your wedding, so you have something else to lick from time to time.)

Q&A…so unbelievably lame. Emily, 24, from Pittsburgh wants to take D-Cook out for a date when he’s in town on her birthday during the Idol tour. Uh, ok, sweetheart.

Sarah, 14, from Indiana wants to know what was the biggest challenge everyone has had to overcome. Now I am hearing We Shall Overcome play in my head as I picture footage from the March on Washington and countless sit-ins taking place in the American South 40-50 years ago. Coretta Scott Mercado once was forced to give up a seat to a white man on the bus. Coretta Scott Mercado was also arrested during the WATTS riots. Coretta Scott Mercado was the first black woman delegate for the 1968 Democratic convention…Ooops, I’m getting ahead of myself. Should un-pause this shit show to get it over with and stop typing for a moment.

I, uh, just the brain being dead.
–- Stoner J

Of course, I really wanted him to say his biggest challenge was being without his bong and Northern Lights stash, but that answer still works for me!

These Q&A sessions are so ridiculously awkward, but uh, Theresa from Detroit does not sound 42, but whatever, sometimes people think I sound like a man when I answer the phone so perhaps I should not criticize.

I cannot believe I noticed Howie Mandel in the audience. I need to stop watching this show ASAP.

Maroon 5, a band which, well, I don’t quite understand what they’re doing. And I don’t really like them…but then they sometimes surprise me, if the sun is shining a certain way or oh hell, I don’t know. They’re like pop-rock with a touch of Jameriqui sometimes? And Adam Levine looks like a sometimes hot poor man’s version of Christian Bale, but not quite. But I sometimes find myself enjoying the occasional Maroon 5 song on the radio when I’m driving home, so I guess I can’t hate-hate them. But Jesus, they kind of suck when performing live.

I think they flashed to some people in the audience I’m supposed to recognize and might look vaguely familiar, but I have no clue who they were. Guess Luke Menard couldn’t get tickets for a second night, but maybe they’ll let him on American Idol Extra if he’s lucky.

For some reason, Adam Levine is kind of…funny…like more so than that douchebag John Mayer. But didn’t they both bang that Simpson girl?

BO BICE ALERT! BO BICE ALERT!

I have always made it clear Bo Bice is one of my favorite contestants ever to grace the Idol stage. Hell, he’s the one of the only reasons I even started watching this shit show. He is so much better when he’s performing his brand of Southern Rock and not the crap they made him record for that first CD. I still think this guy pioneered the way for more interesting performers on this show…Taylor Hicks, Chris Daughtry, Amanda Overmyer, Bucky Covington, Stoner J, David Cook…well, at least those are the ones I can think of. Bo Bice is not only talented, but he seems like a great guy — humble, gracious, just a real nice guy.

I now have the overwhelming urge to take bong hits with Bo and Stoner J.

Apparently, Ace Young will be guest starring on Bones. Hmmm…is this Fox’s way of trying to undo all the evidence of shit being fixed? Setting up former contestants with semi-high-profile gigs? I liked Ace Young, although I think I like him more since he’s been off the show. Ace Young and Michael Johns are also the antidotes to the Chalmydia Stare. If one of them gets to you in just the nick of time, after your gaze has been met by Greasy Constantine, you’re instantly cured and there’s no need to go to the doctor for antibiotics to clear that nasty little VD up. Plus Ace Young’s new song, Addicted, is kind of good…at least the version I heard. I caught Bones once and kind of liked it, perhaps I should start watching it…oh, Christ, I don’t want to watch any more TV. American Idol has sucked the life out of me.

MY ONLY FRIEND…THE END

STONER J ADMITS TO PACKING HIS BAGS…and shooting the tambourine man. But he said it all with a smile. I’m happy for him right now…but I’m also sad because I don’t want him to leave! The show will be even more blah than it’s been for the…entire…season…But think how how many more shit ballads we’re gonna have to hear next week between Coretta Scott Mercado and the Eunuch!

And Coretta Scott Mercado is grinning like she just signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, because she just KNOWS she’s made the final 3.

OMG. SHE DID NOT. SHE DID IT. SHE ACTUALLY LIKENED HER TIME ON AMERICAN IDOL TO TWO PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES. Because you know, she’s like, Halfrican-American and female. I believe Idolator called this one in their recap of last night’s performances.

Syesha Mercado has a reed-thin voice and a really grating persona that was best epitomized by her comparing her Idol trajectory to the civil rights movement. (Whoever said that she’s probably going to compare herself to one of the presidential candidates if she keeps on going in the competition is right on.)

Look at Stoner J’s grin. Look at Stoner J’s smile. He is so damn happy to be out of here. He soooo knew what he was doing. I love this kid. Love this kid. And I so do not remember him singing with the You Are My Brother guy. Seriously. How awesome is he? He’s performing I Shot The Sheriff and yes, I still think it was a fun performance. And he truly looks like he’s having fun. And perhaps now, he will once again be able to have more fun. He doesn’t need Idol. He just needs to go jam with Jack Johnson in Hawaii on The Mellow Show.

If I had a bowl right now, I’d smoke it for you, sweet Stoner J. As I said before, you went out on your own terms. You found redemption. You didn’t sacrifice your soul to the Idol gods.

Coretta Scott Mercado better be thanking your dread head ass right now. You gave her back that bus seat.

Even though she’s getting off at the next stop.

American Idol Top 4: Jason Castro Will Die For Your Sins

Today I had to go to an offsite work meeting. They all made it sound very important. My boss made sure I had a notebook. Turned out it was all some sort of ruse they sometimes pull for going out and drinking. Which is all well and good, except when you’re working in the suburbs. Don’t worry. I kept it to a minimum because I had to drive home, however, it obviously meant I needed to pour myself a drink for tonight’s Idol festivities.

Which was probably a good thing, considering it completely sucked and Jason Castro decided to martyr himself in order to save his soul.

Anyway…

Was that the Eliot Spitzer call girl who got the close-up in the audience?

Jesus, why the frak does Randy wear such ridiculous frakking shirts? Someone take the Bedazzler away STAT!

Oh shit. Luke Menard is in the house!! Quick. Who remembers who Luke Menard is? Don’t recall? The guy who made the semi-finals and was kind of sort of somewhat cute until he sang Wham’s Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go) , thereby committing figurative self-castration in front over millions of television viewers and a live studio audience.

D-Cook
Hungry Like The Wolf
Ok. Still wanted him to do Sweet Dreams but whatever, no one asked for my opinion. And you know what? The song isn’t over yet, but honestly, I think it actually kind of…sucks. That was by far his weakest performance to date, and I think the terseness of the song had something to do with it, however, it still sucked. Granted, him sucking is better than the Eunuch any day, but that performance kind of uh, blew. Even if his hair looks better than usual, the song and performance still sucked.

(If the Eunuch even goes 4th and 8th I’m calling bullshit once again. Better be Stoner J, considering all that crap from last week.)

Oh, Syesha, you talking about your supposed fans was completely insincere. A few months ago, I so wanted to like you. Yes, you are very pretty and I really, really, really wanted to like you. But I don’t. And it’s way too late for me to like you. You’re trying way too hard to try and get me to like you right now. Sorry, but your attempts are just well, insincere.

Supermercado
Proud Mary
Because this song has been covered way too much, as well as used as a tryout song on this show way too often, it’s a ridiculous choice. And you know she is gonna sing it as is. Sure, she sounds ok and her twirl was better than that half-assed thing Mormon Brooke did during Here Comes The Sun, but Syesha Mercado, you’re no Tina Turner. You’re not even Beyonce’s younger sister. And as far as fashion commentary goes, sequined dresses can be real cute and fun, but she should have gone a size smaller. Takes away from the whole look.

(Great. The Eunuch is going LAST. How often has he gone last during this bullshit competition?)

Stoner J
I Shot The Sheriff
Still think he should have done Legalize It, but I liked his “go figure” when saying he was he doing a Bob Marley song. I am always gonna like this guy. Just can’t help it. And right now, he’s blowing the rest away. Though I think he may have been kind of uh, off at the end? The sax player looked confused. Randy, whatever. It wasn’t bad. I thought he did good. Compared to the other songs so far? Uh, yeah, he did better. Whatever. I liked it. Except for the ending, I thought he was fine. Am I deaf? No. I liked it. No, really, was it that bad? Love his answer to Simon’s commentary. This guy does not care if he goes home. This guy does not care and I absolutely love it. Whatever, they just want him to go home because Syesha doesn’t have a chance to crack the Top 2 and then it won’t “look like” this whole thing is fixed.

Eunuch
Stand By Me
CAN SOMEONE SHOOT THIS KID? OR AT LEAST INTRODUCE HIM TO UH, LIFE IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD? He’s one step up from one of those poor Austrian children kept in their father/grandfather’s dungeon. Yeah. The vocals are fine, but I just kind of hate his voice. It was probably better than most of his other performances, but it doesn’t even matter. Let’s just watch Randy rub his nutsack while he smiles with Tom Cruise zombie-like fauxness. Paula, how is he way “beyond his years?” He’s grown up in a figurative dungeon with stage parents and Joseph Smith?? Oh stop your stupid humble “thank yous”, little Archie. You’re a goddamned robot. You need to smoke some of Castro’s hasish and live a little.

(I swear the singing order is done to set up the “big scare” for D-Cook. Seems pretty obvious, right?)

D-Cook
Baba O’Reilly
This had better be an improvement over his Hungry Like A Wolf. Seriously. Because that just kind of blew. Hmmm, think its better, but I am also starting to think I like when D-Cook rockisizes pop songs more so than when he performs rock, but this isn’t bad, HOWEVER, the song length kept him from doing something cool with the song. It’s too epic a song to condense into under 2 minutes. This was definitely his weakest night of the competition. It was ok, but it wasn’t great. It wasn’t at all special.

Supermercado
A Change Is Gonna Come
Yes, Syesha, I am always going to equate the importance of the civil rights movement with the importance of American Idol in your life. I know you’re totally fighting to stand strong in the middle of a bunch of white men, but sweetie, it just ain’t the same. Nice to see you’ve followed my advice about just showing off the ta-tas when things are on the line (a girl should give it what they got when the chips are falling), but you’re just BORING. BORING. BORING. BORING. Awww, I did think it was sweet how Carly stood up and applauded for her, granted, she should be up there tonight. Paula spoke and now Syesha is crying, gee, you just figured out humanity makes you look more endearing? Although I do buy your tears a bit more than anything the Eunuch does and while that was a boring performance, she still sang well. Randy just wants to make the Eunuch his cabana boy. While I still don’t equate American Idol with the Civil Rights movement, she has probably done enough to play into the producers’ evil plans.

(This show frakking sucks.)

Stoner J
Mr. Tambourine Man
This guy just does not care. Hell, he even kind of said he wants to go home. I probably would too if I was set up to fail each and every week while the supposed judges told some sheltered eunuch how much they wanted to ride his sack. And listen to the song. I don’t even blame him if he blazed up beforehand and said frak you, frak you, frak you, you’re cool, and frak you, I’m out. He forgot some lyrics. He’s blazed up. He doesn’t want to be there anymore. And frankly, I think he’s going out with a bang. You gotta give him credit. He’s doing it on his terms. And yeah, I love him for it. I may even have more respect for him after tonight. He doesn’t want to play the Idol reindeer games anymore. Syesha gets to pretend she’s gonna win for one more week b/c she wants to play the game. And you don’t want to play the game anymore. Here’s to you Stoner, J, here’s to you. Frak you, frak you, frak you, you’re cool, and frak you, he’s out. (Although I, personally, really hope you live to blaze up before singing on national TV for at least one more week.)

Eunuch
Love Me Tender
Oh good little Eunuch, you read up on Elvis fun facts because just like The Beatles, you weren’t really familiar with Elvis’ music. Which should basically prevent you from ever having a singing career as far as I’m concerned because you lack proper musical education and it’s already too late for you. And I really want to know why you talk kind of like Vito Corleone, granted a young, closeted Mormon version of Vito Corleone, but its still creepy all the same. Jesus Christ, I just heard Randy use the words tender and caress when talking to this kid. I think I’m gonna vomit, although I take comfort in the knowledge that some astute federal agent may have been watching tonight and decided it may be a good idea to start tracking Randy’s web habits.

Bottom 2: Stoner J and D-Cook (Big Scare! Big Scare!)
Going Home: Stoner J
Godspeed, my sweet Stoner J, godspeed. You have finally found redemption. Now, for the love of everything beautiful and un-holy, blaze it the frak up.